I Play Godbooker

It has become painfully obvious as of late: nobody in FW knows what they're doing except me. Which is why I've taken it upon myself to guest book every single fed right here on my blog. That's right: EPW, NFW, LVW, CSWA, I'm about to do you all a huge favor and hand you the blueprints to flawless booking.

(Yes, this is a dickhead move, but remember: I did turn heel after the TEAM post)

EPW: Aggression main event, Cameron Cruise/Copycat vs. Triple X/First. Copycat NO SHOWS! Oh fuck, Cammy's in trouble now boy! Trip is beating him down, First is kicking him in the teeth, they even start wrestling each other 'cause beating up on Cruise is starting to get old. Trip gets on the mic mid-match: "OK, I'm about done here. We're about two hours into the match, and my knuckles are getting tired. You have anything to say before we pin you, Cruise?"

Cruise gets on the mic, gasping: "OH GOD! If there's anybody, anybody at all out there in the lockerroom, the crowd...who can help me, PLEASE! HELP ME! AND FUCK YOU, COPYCAT! Thanks, that is all."

As First begins reading Cruise's last rites from the King James Holy Bible, LAYNE WINTERS comes strolling out from the lockerroom! Holy shit, the crowd is going nuts, Cruise is crying tears of joy. Winters walks to the ring, but he doesn't enter it. Instead, he nonchalantly makes his way to the timekeeper's table, picks up Trip's championship belt, throws it over his shoulder, yawns, and casually walks away. Stevens looks on: "What the FUCK? Hey...hey...HEY! Get back here! The fuck you think you're doing, asshole? No seriously, I'm breaking character...this wasn't booked, you're supposed to save Cruise." Trip tries to chase after him, but Cruise holds onto his ankle. The First just ups and quits the company right there in the ring. "Ok, this is bullshit, give me my lag check and vacation time, I quit," he says.

At the next PPV, the match is booked: Layne Winters vs. Sean Stevens for the TITLE! Most amount of pinfalls in 10 minutes wins. After beating Stevens 104-1 (after going up 67-0, Layne felt bad and let Stevens have a free pinfall), Winters wins the title for real. Stevens gets on the mic, "I just wanna let everybody know, please do not challenge this man. He is seriously the greatest, it was folly to challenge him, and I shall be at his side to make sure he wins every match, even though he will do so anyway!" Stevens then retires. Winters goes on a 300 match win streak, in the process winning every other belt in the company plus the tag belts (he's his own partner), and retires as the ultimate champion.

Of course, he must pass the belt down to the next generation, to ensure the company's survival. Which is why Problem Child then joins the league, and wins the title in a tournament. At this point, the company has been renamed "Layne Winters Presents: EPW" and the title is the LW championsip belt. The end.

LVW: Don't change a thing. Perfect booking. Only suggestion I'd make is to designate J1D as champion for life.

NFW: Not sure how we get to this point, but it basically ends at Crashmas with Castor Strife holding every title, and at least eight of the company's top wrestlers are on their knees pleading for their life. Eddie Mayfield and Craig Miles hold a special ceremony to announce the writing of the New Testament of the Heel Bible, in which Castor is Jesus. Joe the Plumber comes out: "UGHNNNNNNN, Castor I was wrong, you are the best, please accept this sacrifice as tribute to your greatness," and he kills himself right then and there. I'm talkin' all out Samurai sepuku.

But what's the big angle? Funny you should ask. THE HOLOCAUST: PART 2! Except this time there are no Jews involved, only Varga created characters. That's right: Biff Busey, Koopa, Varga, Normal Human Beings, Saved By the Bell Cast, Michael "Not Bobby" Heenan, and whoever else. Oh yeah, plus Cameron Cruise. Every day they are burned, beaten, tortured, and laid to waste. Then they are brought to life the next day through Santeria, and the tortures being anew.

CSWA: This is the best one of all. Hornet comes out to the ring at Fish Fund or whatever: "You know, I've been in this business a long time. I've done everything a Hornet could do and more, including winning every title there ever was. I didn't come out here to say anything important, I just wanna stand here and bask in the glory of my excellence, and I'm inviting Dan Ryan to come out here with the title and do the same! Come on out here, Danny boy!" Dan Ryan runs out to the ring to join him. Then Joey Melton...then Troy Windham...then Flic Rair...Flic Rair?...Flic Rair...then GUNS. These guys are just high fivin' it, acting like total pricks, peeing on crowd attendants, total INSANITY!

But then...

Doc Silver comes out with the mic! Announcers: "Holy shit it's Doc!"

DOC: "Au contraire, my dear friends. OR DID YOU FORGET I OWN THIS FUCKING PLACE?!?!?!?!?! Oh that's right...we ran some angle back in the day that basically gave me ownership of the company, and now I'm here to book. Wait, wait, stay in the ring...stay right there. If any of you dare move from that spot, I will run to the ring and dragon punch you all in the clavicle. Not only will Dan Ryan defend his title, but you'll all defend it with him. Because I've got somebody to challenge for it, I think you might know him..."

(CUEUP: "Peace Sells" by Megadeth)

ANNOUNCERS: OMFG IT'S TERENCE!!!!! He's come to save the company!

Terence runs out, clears the ring, pins each and every man one by one, and wins the CSWA title. Then he challenges Doc to a ladder match! Of course Doc loses right away, and immediately takes out his frustration on a number of female fans seated in the front row. While the melee on the outside continues, Hornet hoists Terence up on his shoulders (by himself!) and hip hip hoorays him into the sunset.



Guys...let's make this happen!