I blame Ben Halkum.
For it was (twas?) on December 2nd, 2008 when the scattered galaxies of the e-wrestling universe ended their decades-long gravitational dance and collided to form an elliptical galaxy that damn near ENDED THE INTERNET. I.E. Ben Halkum posted to YouTube the pilot episode of 'The E-Wrestling Magazine' featuring your host...Ben Halkum. The result was apocalyptic! Features were expanded, news was delivered (or not delivered, since nobody submitted anything!)...and the e-wrestling community was brought together.
There are some who wrongly believe E-Wrestling was brought together in 1988. This was the year when both Chad Merritt and Stephen Thomas' respective prom dates, forced by their mothers to bring the two boys, decided the hit to their high school cred wasn't worth it. So they played a little prank: Chad's date gave him Stephen's address, and Stephen's promised to pick young Stephen up herself; meanwhile, the girls attended the dance with each other. Rest assured, young Chadwick was NOT AT ALL AMUSED to find Stephen at the door when it opened. Good thing it was Saturday Night, which meant the two could watch NWA's Saturday Night Main Event together. It was then that the boys figured out they could accomplish by snail mail and imagination what Jim Crockett never could- TO FORM THE MOST IMPORTANT FANTASY WRESTLING ORGANIZATION IN THE HISTORY OF THE PRE-CSWA WORLD! The boys sat in front of the television set with their pulled pork sandwiches and microwave cooked chitlins, staring in wonderment as Magnum TA drove a spike through Tully Blanchard's head- a spot that was later repeated in CSWA after being hatched in Jon Katz's Scaggsville, Maryland opium den (though he claims to have been on LSD).
But alas, this was NOT when the e-wrestling universe was brought together. Chad would one day get a real job, while Stephen eventually tied the knot. This left a gigantic power vacuum in the e-wrestling community, one which Ben Halkum GLADLY stepped his size 18 Nikes through!
...
(I promise, we're getting to the part where Total J-Cup fucks Impulse)
Fantasy Wrestling Central (FWC) was a happy and wise community before the galaxies collided. One J-Cup tournament later, and now it is time for Ben Halkum to reap what he has sown.
Alright, enough of this shit. You know, not to sound like the Derek Vineyard of FWC, but I really think it's time to close the fuckin' borders. And by borders, I'm talking about the hypothetical desert crossed by GivesHEADSTRONG into FWC, to promote the Total J-Cup.
All month I see this shit on the forums, this Total J-Cup stuff. Having already been through the trauma of TEAM, I told myself "one tournament was all I could handle, pally, I'm through for the year!" Plus the list of competitors was HURTING MY EYES. I'm skimming: "Sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, Impulse, sucks, sucks..."
Wait a minute.
IMPULSE?! Does Pete owe this guy money or something? Why is Impulse in the Total Asscup tournament? For every RP Impulse replies to, does Pete donate 3g's American to a Darfur fund? Well, good luck buddy!
(Couple weeks later)
HE LOST?! Holy Lord Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints...who'd he lose to? I've gotta check this out myself, something smells fishy and it ain't Tom Siegel's training bra. (Thought I forgot about you, eh Siegel? You're like the Holocaust- I'LL NEVER FORGET!)
Hey, why don't we all head over to the J Cup website and check out this world-beater who handed Impulse his ass, shall we?
KATZ: Let's not.
Fine Katz, you stay out of this. I'll do it myself! (Note: Jon Katz did not actually say this, but he totally would)
http://winforever.angelfire.com/startingover.html
Angelfire.com...awesome. I'm psyched already. Looks like Impulse's opponent, Rex Fury, has his own banner. 'Cause you know, every RP should be headed by the character's own personal graphic. And in this case, "Loose Cannon" Rex Fury's banner is...Bruce Lee? Wow, I already hate him without having read a line of RP. So I take it Rex Fury is Bruce Lee? (Reads first paragraph of RP) ...and lives in his mom's basement? Is this where I'm supposed to slap my knee and laugh? Bruce Lee is a loose cannon living in his mom's basement...fanfuckingtastic. I hate myself for even reading this; doubly so for blogging about it; triply so for taking a week to do it.
Notice ol' Rex's RP is your typical staccato line heap of flaming dogshit. Jamar Nicholas brought this style up in his Q&A thread as an example of poor RPing, and I couldn't agree more. Observe:
REX: Am I Rex?
ROD: You are Rex?
REX: But am I really?
ROD: You are really.
REX: That's good. Insert joke here.
ROD: What joke?
REX: This joke.
ROD: I'm waiting.
REX: No you're not.
ROD: No I'm not.
REX: Cool.
TAKE THAT IMPULSE! Oh but it gets worse. http://winforever.angelfire.com/phillyphiction.html In this abortion of a reply, Rex decides Impulse is a bastard, cheating heel. (Note: Impulse is pure as adolescent virginity covered in snowflakes and Cub Scout merit badges) Not only that, the handler decides to invent Impulse's sister out of thin fucking air, and conduct a whole segment featuring her.
And he WON.
What would constitute a loss, I pray-tell? Rex Fury attending Impulse's family reunion and getting into a scuffle with Uncle Harry? Actually, that would be pretty funny...scratch that. I've written some pretty campy RPs in my time, believe me. But if you're going to invent your opponent's family members, at least do it in such a way that portends satire. Instead, he bases an entire RP off of Impulse's sister, and suggests that she is Rex's ex-girlfriend. These two RPs might be the biggest failed attempt at FW comedy since my '15 Minutes of Benjamin' series in NFW. Nah, fuck that, those were golden! GOLDEN!
I mean, I complained about the TEAM first round judging, and as craptastic as that was, Total J-Cup might have entirely redeemed TEAM.
Well, are you happy, Ben? You brought the e-wrestling universe together. Because of you, FWC can enjoy all kinds of inner-community activities...like Impulse losing to Bruce Lee in the Total J-Cup. GivesHEADSTRONG spammed the shit out of the forums advertising this shit, all so Bruce Lee could beat Impulse via banging his sister who doesn't actually exist. You people deserve to roast in hell for your transgressions.
Russian Mob and NFW Don't Mix
It seems as though anybody who volunteers for a Crash 50 match suddenly disappears. Level with me, Katz: WHO did you do business with, and why do they have a vested interest in the delay of Crash 50? Look, I like our writers. And if those Stoli drinking sons of commie bitches touch ONE HAIR on either Leary or Biron's head, I'll take a first class trip to Smolensk and recapture them BY MYSELF- Rambo style.
Shit, this blog's gonna get me jobbed faster than Impulse in the Total J-Cup.
Wrestlemania was awful
-
I know it's typical to over-react right after something's just happened,
but man Wrestlemania sucked. Some of the in-ring action was fine, but the
booking ...
15 years ago
This post should have been titled "2 girls 1 J-Cup"
ReplyDeleteThis is why I distance myself from shittastic tournaments run by goons.
ReplyDeleteUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Never mess with Crazy Fucking Ukranians.
ReplyDelete--MUSTdie
Well, like I told you Billy, I signed up for fun, because it looked like a throwback to the old days.
ReplyDeleteAnd it was: none of us could write in the old days. :)
-pete
Russo got WfWA'd.
ReplyDelete/bad acid flashback
Impulse is never going to get his heat back on Bruce Lee.
ReplyDeleteThere is a league called WWF Franchise with Boris Zhukov, Buff Bagwell, DDP, and Zack Ryder?
Do I even want to know what it means to be WfWA'd?
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, Miller - there is. And they're apparently the greatest writers who ever existed.
-pete
I don't think Chad would ever allow it, but upon thinking about it further, I think a real wrestler league that was FWC based with the current FWC crew could be wildy entertaining.
ReplyDelete@Russo - Ask Lindz about the 2nd TEAM ToC some time. I'd tell you, but I'd end up throwing things and destroying wherever I was at the time.
ReplyDelete@Paul - I totally call dibs on Zack Ryder. WWWYKI.
Why is Impulse considered so good? His first promo was designed more to start the show rather then impress, and even the handler himself admitted that it paled compared to the later string of promos that followed his. He did another promo after... I remember that it was titled after that "Sympathy for the devil" line... but otherwise?
ReplyDeleteLots of people mad that their fav characters lost. Are there so many sore losers?
I paid off TEAM with an iPod to have Jared Wells beat Problem Child!
ReplyDelete;-p
-Barry C
Dear Nameless Coward
ReplyDeleteImpulse is a babyface, like, *I won't use a weapon in a no-DQ match* babyface. He's someone even other faces might find a bit to face-tastic for their liking.
Here's a section from the Fury Rp's
Stevens: He's the biggest prick this side of Ron Jeremy's. Always whining and complaining. Nothing is ever good enough for this guy.
Chris: He is just selfish and a monster.
Stevens: One time, Impulse had an appearance at a children's hospital. This hospital was full of kids with cancer, who were fighting it. The radiation causes the kid's hair to fall out...well Impulse told one of those kids to get a new barber because he looked like Stevie Wonder cut his hair. The kid was crying for days.
THE FUCK?! Impulse is a monster?! He makes kids cry?! I mean this is not just 'no selling your opponent's character' this is just outright refusing to accept reality. Impulse should have to have a cut a promo reading all of "I like Pizza" to win...Because his opponent was shouting nonsense...
I do believe Rex was being facetious! Tournament sucks because Mike don't understand jokes, I guess.
ReplyDeleteNameless coward, I'm all about parody. What I'm not about is the creation of an alternate universe where other peoples' characters are used without permission.
ReplyDeleteWas Impulse in Rex Fury's second post? No, but who was the chick in the hotel room talking to on the phone? If it was supposed to be Impulse, then Rex Fury broke the biggest rule in this game. If it was supposed to be someone else, then what was the point of the entire post? The way it was written was as hard fact: this is Impulse's sister and she used to date Rex Fury's agent in one of those amazing coincidences that you only see in really bad B-movies. And now, she's going to try to get with him to get some inside information for her brother, while Rex and Rod are plotting a madcap, crazy scheme to make her shake her fist and go "You bastard!"
The way it was written made it clear that Rex wasn't being facetious. The way it was written made it clear that everything Rex was writing should be taken as hard fact, and that's where my issues were.
I give less than a shit if Impulse wins or loses a match. At least, the way the round went, with Joey essentially making the call that "Rex's characterization of Impulse is better than yours," it's like Impulse never even entered. 'Cause nobody RP'd against him.
By the by, THIS is a good example of parody:
http://www.fwrestling.com/fwc/showpost.php?p=74618&postcount=8
Why is Impulse considered so good?
ReplyDeleteAnd this is the very reason it's so hard for people to make the jump between communities. Because everyone has their preconceived notions of what's good and what's good usually is what's familiar.
Nameless Coward,
ReplyDeleteI get that Bruce Lee was attempting to be facetious, the problem is...
it failed MISERABLY. Reading Bruce Lee's RP was like listening to a phonetically challenged kid make his best attempt at sarcasm; you know what he's trying for, but you're embarrassed for him because he's just so far off the mark.
If Bruce Lee's handler were a good writer, he might have used the facetious dialogue as a means of poking fun at Impulse's good nature. Instead, all you get is the botched dialogue with zero execution. As a reader, I'm looking at this thinking, "OK, so Bruce Lee Fury is accusing Impulse of stuff he doesn't do. And this is funny...why?" Not only that, but the entire promo reads like this. In plain terms: it's complete horseshit. I realize quality is in the eye of the beholder, but DAMN...if you can't tell the difference in quality between these two handlers, then I regret to inform you that the public school system has failed you miserably.
That was my educated way of telling you and Bruce Lee to suck me sideways.
Oh boy, I can't wait to write "Beating Dan Ryan" performing at the Total J-Cup!
ReplyDeleteAlso, apparently a past Total J Cup tournament allowed a current PTC guy to plagiarize an entire novel before finally jobbing him out to a good writer (Kat aka Lia Ambrosi).
ReplyDeleteWINNARZ!!!
Re: Lindz
ReplyDeleteEven more proof that the Total J-Cup is Total Shit. Sorry folks, this ain't one of those cases of "it's all a matter of opinion!" Read both characters' RPs...there is a stark and obvious contrast in quality.
I think that if you did Flair (the womanizer) vs. Ricky Steamboat (the family man) in 2009 that the fans would be cheering Flair and booing Steamboat, sort of like how they booed CM Punk and 1997 Bret Hart. It works in fantasy wrestling because as writers, we can control the crowds, but I don't know if today's audience would cheer Impulse. They prefer depraved individuals like Castor.
ReplyDeleteI don't think so, Paul... there's a very distinct difference between the three. Bret Hart had spent several months "whining" about being screwed, and was constantly up against the never - whining, never - complaining, never - compromising Steve Austin, who the fans got behind like nobody's business. The full turn to heel wasn't complete until Hart STOPPED being about fair play and integrity, and wouldn't let up on Austin at WM13.
ReplyDeleteI haven't watched enough wrestling in the past few years to have a fully accurate idea of CM Punk but I did see one episode where he had beaten Jeff Hardy for the title and spent most of the next show's promo running Hardy down as a drug addict and essentially telling all the people that he's better than them because he's straight edge.
People don't automatically prefer depraved individuals - people simply don't want to be condescended to.
ECW was filled with depraved bloodthirsty fans, but they gave Eddy Guerrero vs. Dean Malenko a standing ovation every night.
I think Impulse would be wildly cheered because he comes in, has amazing ability that he uses to his fullest, and DOES NOT talk like he's above the fans. More to the point, he identifies with them because he considers himself one of them.
Castor, on the other hand, HAS said that things will be better when he's TV Champion, and that the fans who cheer for Impulse don't know any better and that he'll 'educate' them. He's playing the part of the arrogant/delusional heel perfectly, by telling the fans what they should be doing.
As a matter of fact, with very few exception (the heels that were fed to Hogan being the prime example), the fans will always cheer for the guys who are true to themselves and don't seek approval, and will always boo the ones who try to tell them what to think, feel, say, etc.
Plus, Impulse is only white bread in the ring. He knows how to cut a contemporary promo. At least, I hope so.
Paul, I think you wildly underestimate Impulse, as many tend to do. Impulse has a ton of personality; he's just not a dick. He's got his own way of doing things, and an extremely reasoned outlook on the "business." I like him because he's got the vibe of being the last sane man in an insane world (said world being NFW).
ReplyDeleteIf anything, Impulse might be one of the few FW characters who would in fact translate to actual pro wrestling well. I can tell you right now, Castor Strife would NEVER work in WWE, TNA, or ROH. I'm just not sure he translates. Hell, half the time I'm shocked he even translates well in FW ;-)
Some might disagree with me on this, but for my money, in the all-time "squeaky clean babyface" tier, I'd take Impulse over Shane Southern and Evan Aho...any day. He's a much more interesting, original character; more layers to him, more potential. At least that's my take.
In like the last six months or so with Rey Misterio Jr who is one of the consummate babyfaces who gives kids his mask before his match, is generally nice to everyone, and cares about other wrestlers when every wrestler is out for themselves these days, around 50% of the audience is booing him now. They did a match recently at Survivor Series where the much bigger Batista beat up the smaller 5'4 guy and after Batista laid him out once in the match, they started chanting for Batista to do it "one more time." Even when you don't play up certain aspects up to the degree of Punk 2009 and Bret 1997, this current base picks up on certain things if they are repeated and they will turn on the guy for doing stuff that would have been great babyface material in the 1980s or even the early 1990s isn't the same today.
ReplyDeleteEvery handler in FW liked Impulse a lot.
ReplyDeleteBut Paul Miller, the Grinch who co-ran WFW:NE, did not.
The Grinch HATED Impulse -- the whole Impulse season.
Now please, don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes are too tight.
Or it could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
ROFLMAO! Profound!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Impulse ran over your dog, Paul.
ReplyDelete-pete
Impulse broke Paul's sister's cookie jar.
ReplyDeleteDear Dr. Seuss,
ReplyDeleteIt turns out, as a matter of fact, that the reason Paul Miller hates Impulse is because he doesn't understand today's wrestling community.
He's stuck in the days of the early 2000s: the last time he ran a semisuccessful league.
I don't think there's any need to be a prick just because someone questions the pure babyface role in contemporary wrestling.
ReplyDeleteMy feeling is that anybody who looked at the J-Cup list and willingly joined and expected anything other than what he got probably has some kind of learning disability.
Would you like to know which of them were cowards?
ReplyDeleteLook at that, more anonymous posting.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I never said I hated Impulse, I just said I doubted he would be a babyface in 2009.
ReplyDeleteAs for being stuck in the 2000s, if you did a poll of most match writers on FWC, I'm probably the one who watches more current stuff from Japan, Lucha, and the indies than anyone else writing currently and I try to work in those concepts into matches in WFW:NE.
ReplyDeleteLindz, you should seen the cookie jar, it was a cutest damn thing and would have been the present to top all presents... can't go wrong with Winnie the Pooh though
ReplyDeleteHEY GUYS CHECK OUT MY POST
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watchv=VEuBeYZv6w
WHOOPS MADE A MISTAKE
ReplyDeleteTHIS IS IT:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEuBeYZv6w
ONE MORE TIME THIS WILL WORK
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEuBeYZvx6w