Fed Wars and Star Wars

EPW Idol
Seeing the number of people who didn't sign up for EPW Idol, a.k.a. the easiest contest ever run in the history of FWdom, makes me glad I don't run a league where actual work is required. Holy shit, people, sign up already! Or I shall belittle you via my internet blog until you are shamed into doing so. I think the guy who came up with the phrase "You can lead a horse to water, but..." must have been a FW fedhead.

Thanks to Tom Holzerman...
...for giving this blog a plug. I think he was the first to do a FW blog himself, so allow me to give all credit where it's due. However...what the HELL do you mean this blog is "too long, didn't read?" Are you trying to tell me you don't enjoy reading blocks of uninterrupted black text? Shyyyit, the fuck you think I made this thing for, man? By the way, here is Holzerblog's link, although it's almost pointless for me to do this since I'm sure my measly five readers already visit his. My blog needed the plug more! http://angloluchador.blogspot.com/ Major props though, Toml; your blogs kick ass to put it mildly! Now if only we didn't write for such a niche audience, which brings me to my next point...

Why No Media Love for FW?
I have seen documentaries or at least news pieces on every stupid hobby from Dance Dance Revolution competitions to Professional Cup Stacking tournaments. Yet has anyone on FWC been contacted by a major or minor media outlet concerning this little thing of ours? Seriously, FW must be the most unique hobby of all time. It's so fucking out there and weird, most of us won't even admit our passion to family members! We need media love, damn it. Someone give Chad Merritt's address to Diane Sawyer please. Maybe get Katz on 60 minutes. Actually, 60 minutes did a special on my Uncle, is a professional guinea pig (he has medical tests performed on him in order to guage a product's safety for the general public, and gets paid for it). If they can cover his weird ass, they can cover ours too. Eh, who am I kidding? I don't care about getting FW any exposure, I'm just hoping I get a TV interview out of it. Fuck all you guys. If they ever ran that shit on TV, you could kiss your fledgling sex lives goodbye. Now instead of chicks from your old high school not banging you until they themselves are over the hill, everyone else's ex-HS flagcore whores will be ignoring you as well, country wide. Nevermind, keep the media AWAY from fantasy wrestling!

The Saturday Night Wars?
We need a good FW league rivalry on the scale of the Monday Night Wars. I hereby dub this hypothetical feud the "Saturday Night Wars" since I know none of you do anything on Saturday except masturbate to your internet girlfriends and flame Saga fanboys on the George Lucas forums. Oh wait, that's my itinerary, sorry! Seriously though, I'm tired of everyone in FW being friends. Start hating on each other! I know it doesn't help matters any when I'm handing out praise left and right on my blog, but maybe I should start a Hall of Shame. Hell, I could just resort to spreading vicious rumors. Yo Katz! Chad says you're a BITCH, man! Brunk says NFW better bring it's A-Game, cause Wrestleverse III is gonna put you out of business! Brunk, you know what Katz is saying, right? He said he's gonna buy out your champion and have him pee on the EPW title at the next Crash! Katz also told me he's going to pull an Eric Bischoff and give away EPW and LVW results before the cards are posted, so no one has to read! Hahahahaha, LET THE SATURDAY NIGHT WARS COMMENCE!!!!!!

Speaking of Star Wars
I think I found a hobby even more pathetic than FW. Have you heard of Jedi vs. Sith roleplay on Star Wars forums? Oh yeah, this is happening as we speak. People actually choose to be Jedi or Sith, and as they increase their post count/activity in the group, they level up. Not only that, but it's not like FW where Jamar Short pretends to be Sean Stevens but I can still talk to him OORP and wish him Happy Birthday and shit. Noooo buddy, if you're a Jedi and I'm a Sith, THAT'S IT! We do not talk, we do not socialize, there is no Jamar Short there is only Sith Master Jamar Short. Forums such as Jedi Council and Star Wars United have roleplay sections, and they take this shit seriously. Nobody adheres to the FW rule of "play when you get the time." No, you make time or YOU DIE! Or uh, you get cast out of the Jedi/Sith council. As for the roleplay, here's a little excerpt from Star Wars United:

Quinland Daast appeared before the Jedi Council via a holo-projector on board his ship.he bowed and looked up
"master Daast, we have recieved word that the sith are reforming in the outer rim, investigate and report back to us. do not engage the sith if they are in the rim, understood"
a tall cerean jedi master stated"yes master" Quinland said, bowing.he turned the Holo-projector off and proceeded to the cockpit of the ship, where two anatarian rangers sat.
"what is the assignment master jedi? the pilot asked
"go to the outer rim, when we arrive there we are to search for the sith"
"yes master jedi" the pilot said as the ship made the jump to hyperspace...

I know I know, as someone who RPs a character named Problem Child and a washed up delusional gay porno director, I shouldn't be one to judge. But...fuck it, this shit is FUNNY! Hahahaha go the outer rim! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!! LMAO. THE OUTER RIM HE HE SAYS! ROFL! HYPERSPACE!!! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!

Sorry, allow me to compose myself. I apologize to all the Jedi and Sith out there who I have offended. I should get off my internet roleplay hobby high horse now. But HAHAHAHAHA! That's all I have to say to you, my young Paduans. I hope someone from your fucking Jedi guild develops real mind trick ability so he can wave his hand in your face and say "You WILL stop playing this dumb game!" I hope Ray Park (the actor who played Darth Maul) hunts you people down and beats your fat asses shaolin-style for disgracing the name of real movie Sith everywhere.

Sure, FW may be lame in it's own right, but FW has tradition man! Chad and Steve have been rolling the dice since the motherfucking 1980's! We write script style! We pump out 800,000 word cards! We "get over!" We make imaginary crowds pop! But you Star Wars people...you're just out there running around pretending to be Count Dooku or whatever the fuck, it's a goddamn disgrace to roleplayers everywhere! Dude, seriously? You're not Count Dooku, you're never going to be Count Dooku, you're not even Count Chocula and your ass definitely isn't even the assistant manager at whatever McJob you work. So please, just do us all a favor and stop furthering the stereotype that all Star Wars fans are losers and virgins. What, you think learning Jedi mind tricks via the internet forums is going to make women sleep with you? The only way that shit's gonna work is if you slip them a roofie or date rape pill, and that would be illegal not to mention highly unethical in the view of any legitimate Jedi Council and/or other Star Wars sanctioning body. Former HS cheerleaders turned washed up meth addict townies will not put out if you're doing that Star Wars Jedi bullshit. Unless of course you're packing serious heat where it counts. I'm talking a dick size of homeless Jamaican guy proportions.

Sign up for EPW Idol, and join LVW! I'm out!