Dick Jokes and Gimmicks

Have you ever been running late with your assigned match, and felt like a criminal every time you logged onto FW Central? Well I sure did. I felt like Dave Brunk was stabbing a voodoo doll every time I made a post that had nothing to do with the EPW Wrestleverse card. At this point, I had two available remedies: 1) write the damn match already or 2) take comfort knowing that there's always somebody later than you.

That's kind of my philosophy in life. It's OK to be bad, just try not to be the worst. If someone's gonna be 15 minutes late to work everyday, you can just go ahead and stroll in 12 minutes late. Some chick thinks you've got a small penis? Well, as long as it's not the smallest she's ever seen, you're good. By the way, that last one doesn't apply to me. In all honesty, I'm at least 13 inches. At least. And yes, measurements that begin at the tailbone are indeed valid.

What the hell, second blog in a row I've mentioned penis size. The fuck is wrong with me? Am I out of original material and relegated to run 'o the mill dick jokes? Do I have pyschological problems? You know, in the third grade I was sent to a psychologist for taking the Snow White and the Seven Dwarves dolls we had in the classroom and rearranging them into a Dwarf-on-slut gangbang. True story.

Gimmicks I'd Like to See
At this point, I'm tapped out. I handle eight different characters in four different leagues, and feel like any new ideas I have need to be saved or given away. Out of the kindness of my heart, I'll opt for the latter. You're welcome!

THE BULLDONNAS- A tag team of bull-dikes with short haircuts, hairy arms, and tattoos over their breasts. They smell like cigarettes and road kill. One drives a truck for a living, the other is a radical socialist librarian who is into campus activism, is 45, and still enrolls for a class per semester at community college because fiercely radical classroom debate is her passion in life. The truck driver suffers from severe crotch-rot, and the librarian cheats on the truck driver by attending and organizing Craig's List orgies.

KYLE WHITEHEAD- High school dropout neo nazi skinhead who is pissed cause a black man took his daddy's job operating big cats at the construction site. When he loses a match, he accuses the referee of being a Jew.

GUS PRIEST- Australian outdoor adventurer ala Steve Irwin/Bear Grills who loves to demonstrate his kinship with extreme wildlife. His RPs usually consist of him showing people how to survive in the wild. Innovator of the "Foreign Habitat Survival" match, whereby pinfalls count anywhere in the Amazonian Rain Forrest, but both men have to start at opposite ends and must survive long enough to have a match at the designated rally point. If you can't survive that long, you lose.

STEVEN STRIKES BACK- Angry Star Wars fanatic who refuses to accept Saga into Star Wars lore. His goal in wrestling is to win the title so he can make enough money from endorsements to produce the true Star Wars Saga movies- as they were meant to be seen! Comes to the ring in a Jar Jar Binx t-shirt that's been X'd out in black magic marker.

EON VAN PATTEN- Here he is, the wealthiest man in the city! ...the city of Woonsocket, Rhode Island, that is! When he's not spending money on lavish dinners, expensive clothing, and trying to evict the city's 4.4% African American population from their apartments, you can find him training in the art of Krav Maga. Only problem is, the school he trains at isn't officially ceritified Israeli Krav Maga, and is actually a cheap ripoff! As a result, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has sent mercenary wrestlers to Woonsocket to challenge Van Patten. Stipulation: loser leaves Woonsocket!

THE DARK KNIGHT FANBOYS- These two are a couple of 15 year old goth kids who think Heath Ledger was just SHHHHHOOOOOOO AMAZING as Joker! All their RPs end with the tagline "Why so serious?" They love Joker, because all his lines are just so dark and mysterious and full of awesomeness!!!!!! When they log onto the Dark Knight fansite forum, they GO OFF on noobs and love to write PPPWWWWWNNNNEEEEDDD!!!! And if you dare make fun of them for writing PWNED they will play it off like it's a big internet geek joke that everyone's in on, when in reality they do rather enjoy writing in nerd lingo. Their finisher is, you guessed it, the Why So Serious Bomb! Basically, they take turns doing powerbombs. They own a plethora of Joker t-shirts and wear them all to the ring. For Halloween, they dress up as Joker. On Christmas, they deny Christ and host Heath Ledger movie night, which includes such classics as "10 Things I Hate About You" and "Brokeback Mountain." They are HUUUUGE Brokeback fans, as they find it a very sad and touching movie. Rumors of another gay cowboy movie directed by a 4 foot Asian guy with a foot fetish has them TEH PWNED EXCITED ROXORS AWESOME SAUCE 2000!!!!!!!!! Their arch rivals are a team of Heath Ledger haters who go by the name of "10 Things I Hate About Heath." 10 TIHAH get the fanboys goat when they brag about how they're glad Heath's dead and that his dead ass missed the Dark Knight premiere and stuff. Both teams were trained by...

POST COUNT INFINITY- Do NOT log onto this man's forum. He will pwn you, and pwn you badly. Every point you have, he's got a sarcastic reply for. In real life, he has zero social skills and even lets the Starbucks barista boy push him around, but on the net he's THE MAN! Finisher is the BANNED-WAGON!

CYNTHIA FOX- Former Sarah Palin intern, now seeks to compete in pro wrestling. Loves to wear suit-pants, but has a fetish for wetting herself in front of men. In 2002, she was arrested for making false rape accusations against Craig Miles. Has earned the nickname PP Pants.

VOB RAN DAM- I mean, why not? Once upon a time, people put over characters named Flic Rair and Steve "The Ring" Masters, why not put this hunk of blatant plagiarized bullshit over too? "Ooooh dude he's SO OVER!" Yay, let's all break the fourth wall and be fuckin' retards!

Looking back on this blog post, it definitely grew angrier by the paragraph. I must have a lot of pent up frustration. I'm not at the point of going all out Chris Benoit on my family or anything, but I am one angry white boy.