Bringin' Down The 4th Wall

Fucking GTT8. I'm going to enter as Mike Renner's conscience. "Mike, now let's think about this for a second...Mike...MIKE...DON'T WRITE THIS!"

FW Pet Peeves:

-Characters who are supposed to be "geniuses." If he's such a genius, why the fuck did he get into pro-wrestling? Ahh didn't think about that, did you? I could just imagine his HS career day. "So what's it gonna be, boy genius? NASA? CIA? Cure for cancer? Chief Justice of the Supreme Court?" Nah, I think I'll enroll in wrestling school, learn the ropes, and eventually become CSWA Greensboro County Library District Champion.

-Characters who are supposed to be "geniuses," charismatic, slick on the mic, yet a manager speaks during 50% of the promo. Who's bright idea was it to allocate loud-mouth managers to all the charismatic geniuses? That's like having a cracked out PE teacher yell and continuously blow a whistle during all RVD's promos. Hey now wait just a minute there!

-People who describe the intimate details of their character's physical anatomy in such a way that convinces me they've BLOWN THEIR FUCKING LOAD ALL OVER THE GODDAMN KEYBOARD! LONG AGO!

-GTT ANYTHING

Holy fuck I just saw a ghost! Dude, no, seriously, there was some movement in the darkness. LOL, I swear to God man, not even joking on this one. There's some freaky shit going on tonight. OK, back to the hate.

-No disrespect to Felix or Brock Alyas or whoever, but what's the deal with drugs giving people superpowers in wrestling? I'm pretty sure you'd pass out Sandman-style at center ring, on your face, possibly puking. No way does three handfuls of percoset crushed into an eightball and snorted off a midget's penis enable you to wrestle for 25 minutes or longer. The only drugs that allow you to be superhuman are STEROIDS! That's right kids, taking steroids will make you EXACTLY like Derek Jeter, maybe even better who knows.

-Jeff Hardy picbases. No, you can't be him.

-Man, FUCK GTT. You're telling me those pieces of shit win money? Yeeaaaahhh try that BS on FWC, see how many people are willing pony up the dough. We barely got three people to contribute to Chad's dying kids foundation thingy during the holidays. You really think we'd ever PAY people to beat us as a result of shitty judging? HA! Never gonna happen. FWCers aren't about to furnish some dopey GTT paypal account with their hard earned unemployment money. We need it to buy twinkies and 16pck Dr. Pepper to stay up all night waiting for the sweet 48th hour, when we can legally stack each other with BRUTAL kayfabe-killing shittalk. Not to mention that WoW account isn't gonna reactivate itself!

-Upon further inspection, that last paragraph really just refers to me, Mike, Josh, Edmunds, and Rivera. JOSH: I stopped playing WoW and am gainfully employed. ME: I stopped playing WoW, and am still unemployed. Fuck you.

This is Hard For Me to Admit

...but at one time or another I thought Sean Stevens, Eddie Mayfield, Lamont Hollywood and his son Blaine were all black. Great, now I feel like a scummy clan member. Go figure, the one black character I really remember was RP'd by the whitest dude on planet earth (Se7en).

The REAL Reason We Made Them

Look, I don't care what anybody says: FW characters are simply how we envision ourselves, except they're bigger, stronger, and smarter. Everybody's got that one character that kind of makes you go, "You fuckin' think you're him, don't you? That's how you see yourself!" Not sure what that says about me, given my top character directs pornographic art films, but let's run with this. Our characters are the versions of us that have the balls to walk up to that girl; to tell that asshole off instead of bitching out; to demand a raise from your boss; to tell the waiter it had better be fucking ready soon. Instead, we walk away grumbling, "If Larry Tact were here, HE'D know what to say!"

If Cameron Cruise ever quits EPW, I'm starting an "I'm With CaCa" group.