It takes a village to destroy a community...

Ok yeah, the blog's back, whoo-hoo, throw a party.

CockBlogger
Not to suck my own dick or anything, but you know what I like about this blog? The fact that I'm NOT trying to do anything positive for the "E-Wrestling Community" or help move this bizzarre hobby forward in any way, shape or form. Simply put, I'm not trying to be town fuckin' mayor of FW/EW. See, the purpose of this blog isn't to discuss relevant happenings on the forum, or talk shop like my good buddy Mike Stanton does on his blog. No, I wanna air out the shit people are gossiping about in IM. I want to discuss topics that nobody really pays any mind to. For example: should it be fantasy wrestling, or e-wrestling? My sentimental little heart tells me "fantasy wrestling" since that's what I grew up calling it back on Prodigy in the '90's. But fantasy wrestling also sounds kinda homo-erotic, and there actually is something called fantasy wrestling where two half naked gay dudes roll around like two pigs in heat. Don't ask me how I know this. Then again, "e-wrestling" is such a nerdy term, it makes Dungeons and Dragons sound like "I just skull-fucked the Olsen twins while Jessica Biel wanked me off with one hand and fed me whiskey with the other." Nobody thinks of this stuff, but I do.

Put the camera DOWN, BEN!
You know, it's bad enough I converse with these people through a make believe wrestler, but now I've gotta watch them on YouTube?

JON KATZ: "Uh, ya think? Try having to deal with them over XBox Live. Ahem."

Touche, Jon. And no, that's not a direct quote from Katz, I made it up. In case you were thinking about getting silly and accusing me of fraud or something...

Anyway, I'm fiddling around on YouTube one day, minding my own business...when I stumble upon this monstrosity:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBNoFBTZlmQ

THAT'S BEN HALKUM! Before I go on, I do give the guy credit for putting himself out there like that. He even acknowledges that people may rag on him for taking the risk. Well, here I am Ben.

I've really had little contact with Ben, so I'm not too comfortable making jokes at his expense. Then again, I made the same mistake with Lindsay, and it damn near cost me my life. If I were to give Ben the slack I didn't give Lindz in the same situation, that would not only make me a sexist, but also a racist, a Marxist, a Sodomist, and quite possibly a Pianist too.

OK, ready? Watch the video with me, startiiiiiiing...NOW!

12 seconds in, Ben, and you already have me wondering why the HELL you keep looking to your left. What are you on the look-out for, exactly? PEOPLE?! Yeah, I guess I wouldn't want anybody walking in on that either. "You do WHAT Ben?! Boy, this is worse than the time I caught you whackin' off. E-Rasslin?? I'd rathera found out you was starin' at animality, bestiality, whatever the fuck they call it..."

"As you know...well, as you MAY know..." Yeah, goddamn right you better stop yourself from assuming I know stuff! And STOP looking to your left, damn you! This ain't confidential information you're spouting! CONTINUE BEN!

"I'm Ben, I run the e-wrestling magazine along with..." Oh God, don't out your friends, Ben. Life is hard enough on them as it is.

"What we're tryin' to do is have 2009 be the year where, the e-wrestling magazine just...::looks left, looks right::...EXPLODES!" Well, guess what? It's now October 2009, and the only thing you've exploded was my monitor after this video caused me to punch it to death.

"We're trying to expand our features to make sure that all of e-wrestling...comes together." Really? I'm just the opposite. I actually don't want all of e-wrestling to come together. I find I enjoy the hobby more when we're segregated and certain communities are marginalized. I also feel that from a moral, spiritual, economic, and creative standpoint, e-wrestling doesn't deserve to come together. But yeah, you were saying Ben?

"...no matter what kind of fed it is, no matter what kind of community it is, no matter who it is, who's visiting, or who's not visiting..." Well thank you Mr. E-Fedding Rogers, but I'm not sure you really believe this. You're telling me that if the North American Man-Boy Love Association created an e-fedding community, you'd welcome them? I sure wouldn't...

"We want the e-wrestling community all together." I know, you said that.

"We're not JUST a community...we're bringing e-wrestling together!" Uh, yes Ben. Yes you are.

"There are other communities out there...::makes patronizing frown::...I visit 'em...I post on 'em...and that's OK..." Is it? Is it really OK, Ben...or does it make you wanna hurl bricks at pedestrians?

"...cause they're all here for the same thing: e-wrestling discussion...." AND LICKIN' THE FUCKIN' BOOTS OF BEN HALKUM!

"Am I saying we're better than any of them? No. Am I saying we're the best? Well, I'd like to think so, but I don't know. It's up to you to decide." Oh God, just say it Ben: you wanna use E-Wrestling Magazine to cockslap e-fedding worldwide. Personally, my goal is to win every title on FWC and then job them all in one fell swoop to James Varga. The forums would explode.

"This is your site. This-is-E-Wrestling!" ::Ben proceeds to kick Stephen Thomas down a well, incurring the wrath of Chad and his army::

Ok, turn it off. He's starting to get angry now, and I find it unsettling. If you're so inclined, check out the second video. Now Ben's REALLY pissed! "Welcome to the second edition, and today we've got...nothing. No news, nothing really to talk about, we don't got jack fuckin' shit. Remember, we're here for YOU...to bring news to YOU that the community needs!"

YEAH! You tell those fuckin' ingrates what's what! You're not gonna come out here week to week lookin' like Luke Skywalker's brother that never left the farm so he's pissed off he didn't get any intergalactic pussy or have any cool adventures...THEY WILL NOT MAKE A FOOL OUTTA YOU, BEN HALKUM!

(CUEUP: Friendly happy music)

You know Ben, it's alright. We know you're putting forth a good effort. Now I may have lampooned you a bit there, but it was all in good fun...for my blog readers. Hey, if you really wanna check out an fool, you should see the video I made addressing my former community college newspaper staff, which I was the editor of. I even showed them my cum rag. Yes, it's true, I showed them the towel in which I shot children not yet conceived. Nor will they ever be conceived. They shall die in a sale towel I bought from Wal-Mart; an ignominious end to a life never lived. We rue them, but we shall not forget their sacrifice.

Sorry, I'm getting off track...

Shitty E-Fed of the Month
Oh yeah, I'm doing this alright. I'm tired of all this self-congratulatory crap going around the community Ben is working so hard to unify. Yes, we know, NFW is good, EPW is good, PRIME does their thing, A1E's got it together...yes yes, good good. Now in the last year, I've gone outside my FWC bubble and visited some other forums: PTC, A1E, EWTorch. I have to admit, I used to think nobody outside our forums was any good, but through diversifying my forum membership I've learned that at least 10% of you are in fact, good. PTC is a pretty cool place, nice people...the style of RP over there isn't really my cup of tea, but they do have some talented writers, and it's really just a matter of preference. A lot of them would probably read my shit and go, "What the fuck is he on? This sucks." However, while some feds out there are different in a good way, there are some that just plain suck. And once per month, I will out them.

October's Shitty E-Fed: Anarchy Wrestling Alliance
http://new-awa.proboards.com/

Man, I really shouldn't be doing this. But...too late now.

I was right about to call out Josh Levinson for lending his name to this dungshit fed, until I realized AWA has nothing to do with Anarky the character.

First, I wanna make something clear. I have a total unwavering bias against feds that use picbases for their characters. Sorry, but it's amateur and goes against the idea of "fantasy." As in: CREATE YOUR OWN SHIT! Posers I have less of a problem with; in fact, I like posers and can't wait till I get one. A good one though, not one of these Joe Lebron concocted "Brock Lesnar with a different haircut" posers. At least there's a creative process behind posers.

So right away, you log onto their page, and whose dumb faces do you see? Big Show, John Cena, and the fucking Undertaker. Great, we've officially crossed into Dungshit County, Population: We can't count. Their logo isn't half bad, except I'm not sure why flaming letters are imposed over their cool purple design. I'm no color coordinator, but I'm pretty sure FLAMES and PURPLE don't go together.

As if that wasn't bad enough, check this shit out: the Prez is Brandi Lynn, and her picbase is some 15 year old chick in a leather jacket with half her head braided in cornrows. Awwww what the FUCK! Do I really have to be here right now? Goddamn it. More idiotic picbases of scantily clad women of a questionable age. I don't know whether to jerk off or RP, help me!

Hmm, someone's picbase is The Joker from Dark Knight. Big fucking surprise there; what'd he do, win the lottery? I bet half the league wanted that picbase. And by the way, why is it that EVERY LEAGUE I visit has an evil looking clown among their titleholders? I want someone to explain this to me. Can we get a law passed that bans people from RPing Clowns and Vampires? Make an exception for SARS The Clown though, I like that guy.

Oh lord, say it ain't so. An Eric Bischoff picbase? Ok, enough about picbases, let's get to the RP. Jesus F'ing CHRIST...what IS THIS CRAP?! No joke, this guy did not use one period or comma! Now I know where Terence learned to write. Seriously, that was the longest sentence I've ever read. I really hope these people are either 12 or mentally challenged, or both. The match is an Iron Man match, so what does this guy do? Naturally, he brings up ladder matches that happened IN REAL WRESTLING! Yes, the next time Castor Strife is in an Iron Man match with somebody, I think I'm going to cite how the rules worked against Bret Hart when he thought he'd retained his title at Wrestlemania 12.

Uh oh, we've got wrestlers named Van Hammer and Marc Anthony. Yeah, I'm pretty sure both of those guys existed at one point or another.

Wait a sec, here we go. Forum: "MAKE YOUR RPS BETTER! how to guide" Well if the grammar's any indication, we should be in for a real treat. First thread: "Better yourself part 1" LOVE the thread title! What's the first rule, "Leave this fed"?

Oh man...instead of a real intro lesson to RP, it's an apology and a link to EFedKnights' RP guide. That's fucked up! Plagiarizing a goddamn RP guide! Ok, for the hell of it, let's see what the EFK's have to say about RP. Hmm, nothing, it just links me to their forum. Fucking lying sacks of shit over at AWA.

On the SHIT-o-METER, I'm giving them a 9/10. Well done, AWA.

You Can't Ban Me for this, Chad!
Well, I guess you could really ban me anytime you want. However, I would argue that this inflammatory blog post did more to incite other communities than FWC. For once, I'm shitting on someone else's rug.

Watch, with my luck, Chad's niece or Goddaughter is the kid who runs AWA.