Deadlines, Confessing to your GF, and Stupid Shit

Deadlines Exist for a Reason, Goddamn it! Don't Be an Assclown!
You know, I may not be a well of fantasty wrestling knowledge (very low on my list of 'things to do before I die' actually), but there are a few pet peeves I have when it comes to this hobby. One of them is most definitely RP extensions.

Now, I don't want this to be seen as a direct criticism of TEAM, because it's not at all. (If you're unaware, TEAM granted everyone a deadline extension today) This is more of a general point I'm making on something that's been common practice since FW time immemorial. First off, I absolutely 100% sympathize with the fedheads who are stuck looking at empty threads on a deadline day. That SUCKS. This is less of a "Fucking fedheads suck for giving bullshit extensions!" and more of a "You fuckers don't deserve extensions!" kind of thing.

I think in TEAM's case though, there may be less of a reason to give deadline extensions, since there are no incumbent champions that need to be protected and whatnot. Either way, when it comes down to it, extensions shouldn't be necessary unless the most extreme of circumstances have arisen. I.E. your whole family was blown up by the Mafia, you've been imprisoned, or your Goldfish died and you need some sort of FW bereavement leave. We're all busy (well, most of us). This week was a slow one for me at work, so I was able to put out a lot of material. Next week might not be so easy, but it's not like I'm going to fall off the planet. Similarly, I don't feel like anybody is so busy that they can't write one or two (at LEAST one) RP per week.

Let's just put aside the undercard guys pulling no-shows for a minute. If you've got the title, and you're expected to be running with the ball and keeping interest in the fed going, it's inexcusable to be no-showing, or putting out a measly 1 RP every time you're booked. I don't care if your material is God's gift to nerds across the FW universe, or if Paul Heyman is leaving messages on your phone saying shit like "Man, I used to think FW was lame, but you're so fucking good that I've been biting off your material for YEARS! WAY TO GO!" Whether you're mediocre, or the golden child of FW, if you have a fed's title and your output is weaker than a senior citizen's orgasm, you deserve to job all the same.

Stop Fucking With TEAM
I'm not! I joined the tournament for God's sake. TEAM...I love the concept, I love tournaments, and I love the idea of trying to establish mega-champions. And you guys put in a fuck of a lot of work, too. But if I were you guys, I'd eliminate brackets if need be, or do whatever you could to shuffle around the people who no-showed. Like I said, this is not a criticism of you the bookers, but of the no-showers. They're lucky you guys are lenient.

Dude, it's Just FW, Who Cares?
Jesus, am I taking this shit way too seriously? I am, aren't I? Nah, but here's the deal guys. Anyone who has dealt with me in FW, despite all the crazy shit I've pulled, knows that never once have I e-mailed a fedhead to complain about BS decisions, or shoddy booking, or anything of the sort. Don't get me wrong, I'll bitch to my friends in IM, but I do sympathize with the BS your average prez puts up with. But in any aspect of life, whether it's work, FW, or me sitting in my underwear playing Halo 3 online at 4am, I hate when people violate the basics of common sense. Drives me crazy, in fact. Common sense tells me that if you're too busy to RP, or have even the slightest inkling that you won't be able to write much for a match (let alone a fucking tournament!), you shouldn't sign your name to the in/out thread. Just like my boss at work shouldn't give me shit when I walk in at 9:01 with a cup of coffee in hand, just like morons in Halo 3 shouldn't throw fucking grenades when they see I'm rushing down the corridor to draw out some asshats who are camping.

On That Note...FW Shit That Drives Me Batshit
I swear to God, Allah, Buddah, Odin, Quezacotl, and whoever else...if I see ONE MORE person refer to RP in their actual RPs, or forums, or the OORP name of fedheads, I'm going to set somebody on fire. Dude, seriously? How does your character know what RP is? If he did, then he'd be living in some sort of Matrix-like false reality, where he knows he doesn't really exist. And if that's the case, at least extend us the common fucking courtesy of doing a Red Pill/Blue Pill precursor RP. Like in NFW, somebody replied to me once saying "Why hasn't Katz closed this thread yet?"

::readies himself for epic internet meltdown::

HOW IN THE HOLY FUCKING HELL DOES YOUR MADE UP WRESTLER KNOW WHAT A FUCKING THREAD IS????!!!!???!!! HOW DOES HE KNOW WHO JON KATZ IS???!!!!

Shit, I'm gonna start mentioning Jamar Nicholas and Gregg Gethard, er- He whose name has been barred from my blogs due to me mentioning him too much- in my RPs.

LAYNE WINTERS: Damn it Dave Brunk, I want the title NOW! How many RPs does a Seattle resident have to do to get over in your goddamn e-fed? Shit man. If you don't strap me ASAP, I'm gonna have Billy Ferraro e-mail Jon Katz about bringing me to NFW so I can join Bold New Disaster, who Billy does a FINE JOB of RPing over in the NFW threads.

(Note to Dave: I don't actually feel this way, it's just an example! Don't job me now please!)

Also, another small rule I'd institute forum wide if I had a magic wand: NO your wrestler cannot be a legit mass murderer. Or a pretend mass murderer.

By the way, in case any of you were planning on "gettin' me" by pointing out that Castor Strife refers to Jon Katz Jr. in his dream sequence, fret not. JK Jr. is an actual character in-RP (most of you reading this probably are aware of this fact, but I figured I would put that out there).

Shit man, this must be the blog where I turn heel. I am one angry white boy!

Can FW Get You Laid?
Short answer: no. FW will never ever get you laid, I assure you. Unless of course you get a couple of gay nerds twinkle toeing it on the forums together, they meet in real life, and now we've got FW's first gay couple. Realistically, FW has the potential to be a serious cockblock wedged in between you and your potential sex life. But your lover can certainly learn to live with the fact you RP, as long as you follow my simple rules of confessing this horrible hobby of ours:

1. Play it off like it's no big deal. "Who are you chatting with on AIM, hunny?" Ehh, just a bunch of guys I do this fantasy wrestling thing with. "What's fantasy wrestling?" Hahahahahaha, oh it's just this thing I used to do (always "used to do" it). It's really dumb, check this out: both guys create a wrestler, and then you make the wrestlers argue with each other, and the guy who argues better wins. Then some guy with a lot of time on his hands writes out the match so we can see who won. And uh, well actually, it takes a lot of skill to do, and I became a really great writer because of it. "Oh, ok" <---- has always been the response I've gotten, and I've used that exact explanation with three seperate girls. 2. If she knows you still do it, don't ever let her know when you're actually writing for FW. Seriously, if you tell her you're in the process of writing dialogue for a phony made up wrestler over the internet, her immediate reaction will be to think of all the other more important things you could be doing at the time.

3. Never ever tell her you actually run a fed. Seriously, never do this. Can't be any more clear.

4. Make sure your explanation of FW is accomplished within an extremely short time frame. If it takes you any more than 45 seconds to describe FW to your woman, she's going to spend more time thinking about it than she needs to be. The goal here, gentleman, is to play it off like it's no big deal. You know, like you would do if she caught you masturbating to your ex's MySpace profile, or if she found out you're fucking her sister. Act as necessary.

RP Thread of the Decade- nay, The CENTURY!
Two words: TEAM's Doc Silver vs. Chris "Machine" Daniels 1st round thread. Wait a second...

Honestly, for reasons which are self-apparent when you read it, that thread had me on the floor crying out of laughter. I speak no more, go check it out.